In Search of Life Preserver
It is that time of year again. The time of year when my world feels like it is crashing upon me, when depression and anxiety takes it cold, bony hand wraps it around my throat and squeezes….. hard. Honestly, it seems a bit harder this year. There is too much to juggle, too many questions. On top of that, I have not been writing, or taking photographs. My camera has been acting up, and now is all but completely busted. It will take a photograph, and then deny the card until I take in and out about 5 times. Photography is what I do to escape, to express myself, to capture the happiness around me as a reminder. I need a new camera, but it is not currently in the cards since there are more important things to be affording right now. If I was actually bringing in money for it…. that would be one thing, but since I am not, we put it off.
As for the non-writing, I am at a loss at what to write. Somehow, I lost my funny. I am not sure about how much I should share about the kids anymore or how much of my particular brand of crazy I should share. This has not helped, as I feel like I am just swimming out here, no life preserver, no way to express what is on my mind, and even if I did, who would even care. And then I would have to face the family members asking with worried faces, “Are you ok?” And realize that I have added to their own stresses and worries, keeping them up at night. They have enough to worry about.
I really don’t need that guilt on my shoulders. Or the judgement. And not that the judgement or the guilt would be coming from them…. but it would be coming from my own mind, projected onto them. Again, my special brand of crazy.
The fact of the matter is, Saturday I had a full blown panic attack. One in which I was just shy of vomitting my lunch. The tears, hyperventilating, all of it. It all came crashing down on me: The weight of the season, my fears, my questions, my feeling alone.
I won’t go into all of it now, but I will say the one thing that is weighing on my mind is Ben’s upcoming kidney surgery. He is a kidney stone 1.2 inches in diameter. INCHES. It will not pass on its own, and is too dangerous to break up with lasers or lithotripsy. They need to go into through the back, dig through the kidney, and remove it through a hole in his back. Apparently (you know according to google MD) it is a delicate, difficult procedure, that takes about 4 hours (sometimes up to 6) and has a 6 week recovery time. I am sure that these get done on a semi-regular basis, but my mind is full of what-ifs. It is a kidney, vital. I worry about complications, sepsis, issues affecting the entire system, etc.
I worry about the worst possible thing that could go wrong. And it terrifies me.
I also worry about his work and what this will mean for him this upcoming quarter, their busiest quarter of the year. He will insist on working from home when he is on bed rest. Then I worry about what that means for the company in this rough economy.
I guess I am just writing this to get this out of my system. I need a starting place. I need to reach out of my own mind and write this down (and apparently share it with the world…. or the 5 people that read this on any sort of regular basis). Then I need to go reach for the phone to call the doctor.
In the meantime, I need something on which to write. I am tired of being the downer. I am tired of not knowing what or how to share. Something got lost and I am desperately trying to find my way back. This is too important, this outlet, this window to give up on just yet.
I know how it is – feeling like you lost your funny, your ability to write at all, your mind, etc. It seems there is just so much change going on in the world, an energetic shift – and it’s hard not to be affected by it, hard not to feel so bogged down. You are not alone – as lonely as it feels sometimes – and that’s important to remember. Along with that, you need to know that you’ll pull out of it – because you have before, because you’re conscious of it – of wanting and needing to cross the bridge and make it to the other side. Humans have this amazing capacity for resurgence. You’ll find your way back. I believe in that part of all of us – in that part of you.
Here’s some food for thought:
“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
uncouthheathen´s last blog ..The Demon
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Corina Reply:
October 6th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
These words are beautiful. I will be reading them over and over again in weeks to come. I will need the constant reminder. Thank you so much.
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Your plate is overflowing and the worrisome things are crusting, NOT cresting. It’s at those times I dig deep to find 5 THINGS each day I can enter into my Gratitude Journal. It helps me that I write a little something about what and how I’m feeling, what made me smile today, and what did I learn or do new today. It’s not original this comes from a twitter pal @Brad_King who encouraged his students via 90 in 90, and himself with #sonew. Seeing his courage and efforts to turn his life around have mad me laugh, cry and try some of the items he mentions…NOT THE MARATHON! Just breathe my friend, just breathe
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Corina Reply:
October 6th, 2010 at 6:53 pm
Thanks you so much for your support. I will check him out. I do need to focus on me just a bit to make sure that I can take care of others when then need. I have been too overwhelmed and need to focus on the gratitude. Thanks so much.
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As you can tell by it taking me all day to finally sit down to properly comment and having a jumble of words where a thoughtful reply should be?
I totally get it. This year has been a hard one for me to pick up my camera—why I did the weekly @36balloons photoblog thing. I’m not who I once was with blogging. I started again to try to channel what blogging meant for me 6+yrs ago.
I have no magic words. I’m thankful that I’ve found the right combo of happy meds
and talking to professionals that works to keep it all in balance.
again with the rambling…even if I don’t always respond…I’m listening. love to ya.
Heather´s last blog ..on not qualifying for speech therapy
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Sometimes it is hard to count your blessings through a thick veil of gloom. And some months create a thicker layer. October is hard for me too – and this morning I found myself saying “just get through today and it will be better”….Will it? I don’t know but in any case you need to keep the self talk going in a positive way. For example, as much as the kidney thing has me worried too – he does have two of them, so it is not like he will be facing dialysis or death if this kidney stone does the worst damage possible. He will be fine. The kids are healthy, strong, creative and challenging. Certainly they need you more than your body wants to put out some days – but there will be a day all too soon when they will THINK they don’t and in some ways that will be harder. So enjoy today – shake off the october blahs and accept the difficulties that are in front of you.
Create a plan for yourself with strategies for surviving the rough days and push through. If it is feeling too hard to accomplish go talk to someone that can walk you through the process and maybe tweak your med profile to support the increased stress. For every problem there is an answer….sometimes the answer requires more creativity and time than we like.
You are stronger than you think and our lives are all better for having you part of it. I’ll be praying for you.
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AUGH my browser crashed the first time I commented.
I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.
I am just now climbing out of a huge stretch of depression/anxiety and it breaks my heart that you’re feeling bad because I know how bad it is.
We’re listening, so keep talking, keep venting, just keep swimming.
Love.
Maria´s last blog ..
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Just keep doing what you’re doing… keep sharing. Keep yourself from closing all the way in, whatever that means: writing in a journal, calling a friend, or venting on Twitter… whatever! Your brand of crazy is a lot more normal than you think. You are definitely not alone, lady. I’m hugging you in my mind right now. Can you feel that???
LOVE YOU
Sugar Jones´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday- Trail Markers
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I happen to love your special brand of crazy. Sending you great big hugs like the ones I used to give with smushing boobs before I had breast reduction surgery. Prayers for you and Ben. Writing is cathartic so you started in the right place. I am here to listen any time you want to scream, vent, cry, or laugh. I love you. And so do a whole mess of other people.
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Keep writing. Keep writing and be HERE. Why? Because there is a community HERE who cares about you and values every word you tap through that keyboard, out onto the screen and then publish. Every word. Keep writing, even if its a paragraph or a small something. There’s no need to post your usual organized well thought out brilliance every time. Just get whatever it is out, put it here, and let some people come love you a bit.
Do you have a point and shoot? Even if its not perfect, you can capture images. Find moments, things that freeze what you feel and put them out there?
Is that like telling a blogger they can write with pen and paper instead of a computer? Probably, huh.
Well. I adore you. I know you are going to make it through this. You’re strong and smart and somehow it will slow again and become manageable and breathing will work and things will make sense and Ben will be ok.
Just keep coming back here. We want to hold you up whenever we can.
Caroline´s last blog ..
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This sounds a bit like I felt earlier this year. For some reason the Gulf Oil spill pushed me into a depressed jag–not an uncommon thing at all, just another trigger in a lifetime of ups and downs, really. But, yeah, and then it messed with my sense of what to write, and how to be, and how to be online to boot. For me, I had to go towards it. Write about it even if it bored everyone. Had to do things I was drawn to even if they felt inadequate. Had to be down, and then fuck it all and push out of it. I bet you will know what you need to do or just to be you, getting whatever helps you when it is like this. In the mean time, know you are not alone in these tides, know hugs are coming from far away. Take sweet, sweet care of yourself.
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