I have a love/hate relationship with October. If you can have such a thing for a month.

I absolutely love the change of the season, the leaves revealing their hidden colors, the cool, crisp air, the harvest. I absolutely love the fact that the Wise Guy came into this world in October, his light and spirit adding depth to my life. I love how life seems simpler. I love the cold-weather home cooking (I occasionally will make) that seems to nourish the very soul.

But then there is a darker side to October. One which I rarely talk about and try to not to acknowledge. But somehow, the calendar changes, October 1st, and the subconscious, the muscle memory of numerous events past, all occurring in October, bubble to the surface and I slip into a confused and dark place.  October, in my personal history, has not been kind.

To talk about it is self-indulgent and counterproductive. It causes others to worry and is draining at best. At worst, some of these issues bring up wounds for others, some of which are deeper than my own.

Yet, this year, I write it out, acknowledge it. I have to, lest it consume me.

October, you are a bitch. Your cold hand grabs me by the throat, both literally and figuratively, throws me into a cinder block wall, head aching.  You betray me, leaving me sitting curled up on the bathroom floor, alone. October, you rock me to my core, make me relive the pain, face the overwhelming guilt. Oh….. the guilt. October, you do all these things and more; throw me a curve, blindfold me and spin me around until I can’t find the right path.

But this year, October, I give it voice.  I fight back. This year, I come out the other side a little better than last.

And for that, I am grateful.

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12 Responses to “October”

  1. melissa 8 October 2009 at 6:21 pm #

    here’s to growing stronger, year after year.
    melissa´s last blog .. My ComLuv Profile


  2. Melissa Multitasking Mama 8 October 2009 at 6:27 pm #

    Good for you for fighting back- guilt will steal your joy- don’t let it!! (((hugs)))
    Melissa Multitasking Mama´s last blog ..Wifey Wednesday- What are you made of? My ComLuv Profile


  3. Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) 8 October 2009 at 6:50 pm #

    I think all of us have periods like that… I have a hard time a) letting go, and b) realizing all of us have periods like that (despite what I said in my first sentence). :) Sometimes just saying it out loud helps. So good for you.
    Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)´s last blog .. My ComLuv Profile


  4. jen 8 October 2009 at 7:34 pm #

    I find it is harder to confront past wounds than it is to just let them be. I’m never sure which is the best route…maybe sometimes a bit of both. Good for you for taking control of them.
    jen´s last blog ..going dark My ComLuv Profile


  5. ilinap 8 October 2009 at 8:35 pm #

    Here’s to being consumed by joy.

    And what’s funny is that I just wrote a post on Deep South Mom about making October 90 days long. I’ll reconsider and cut it short for you.


  6. Caroline 8 October 2009 at 9:10 pm #

    Sending you hugs and support. *YOU* can fight this merciless shadow of guilt. I know you can. Much love (while I fight out from beneath my own shadow).
    Caroline´s last blog .. My ComLuv Profile


  7. The Mother 8 October 2009 at 10:48 pm #

    I sense a history of bad Halloweens.

    I LOVE October. Sometime around the 30th, it actually stops being four hundred degrees.
    The Mother´s last blog .. My ComLuv Profile


  8. Jane 8 October 2009 at 11:24 pm #

    One of the things I’m fascinated by is how a month can carry so much weight.

    I understand, Corina, because in my house it’s always been October, too. Some of the worst events of my life have happened in this month, and like you, I’ve come to dread its arrival.

    This is the only year — so far — that I think October might be wonderful. Maybe, if the curse has died for me, it will die for you, too. I certainly don’t know anyone who deserves it more.
    Jane´s last blog ..As American as Motherhood, Chevrolet, and Blazing New Trails My ComLuv Profile


  9. ArtmamaJen 9 October 2009 at 2:38 pm #

    This October has gotten off to a rough start, but I have faith it will get better. Fortunately, I love Halloween, and that is what gets me through the month. Now, when January rears it ugly head, that will be a totally different story. I do not like cold weather and overcast days, so getting through winter will be a struggle. Fortunately, I have an awesome friend like you, so that’s is a bright spot. When you get overwhelmed, please give me ring, okay?? I’m here for you if you need me. (((hugs)))


  10. Elliott - 21st Century Dad 10 October 2009 at 8:36 pm #

    Yes yes yes. Very healthy. Acknowledge your past adversities, but count your blessings.
    Elliott – 21st Century Dad´s last blog .. My ComLuv Profile


  11. Jeanette 11 October 2009 at 3:54 pm #

    Hope you’ll crush Oct this year :)
    Jeanette´s last blog .. My ComLuv Profile


  12. Bridget (@bcyberchondriac) 25 October 2009 at 8:40 pm #

    Corina, I totally get where you are with October. I have the same thing with January, like ArtmamaJen does.
    January just seems to stretch on forever, icy cold, miserable, long, and dark. And you know you still have two more months of winter to get through.
    I tell myself every year, if I can just get through January.
    Then again, December sucks too.
    The holidays. Don’t get me started.


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