Try Not to Breathe

The other day, after a particularly grueling day working in the garden and the yard, I climbed into the hammock to enjoy the beautiful weather.  The Wise Guy ran over, climbed aboard,  rested his head on my shoulder,  draped  his arm across my abdomen,  and his long, lanky legs curled next to mine (how did he suddenly get so tall?).  Looking up at the crystal blue sky, he says, “Mommy, you are SO beautiful.  I never want you to leave.  Let’s stay this way forever.”

I ran my fingers through his fuzzy hair, pressed my nose to the top of his head, and breathed deeply, just like I did when he was an infant, rocking him to sleep.  I breathed him in, his spirit, his sweetness, his energy, his imagination.  I held on to the breath, let it  fill my lungs, my spirit. I tried, with all my might, to not let that breath go, to do just as he asked, to stay this way forever.

I whispered, “Let’s.  Let’s stay this way forever.”

But, no, I couldn’t hold on to that breath.  With a sigh, I exhaled.

And just like that, the moment slipped through my fingers like his hair.  The moment became  elusive, as he went on to talk to me about how he “wants to be a grown up when he grows up,” and, how he had a dream that he was driving a car to go get tomatoes.

And I thought, “Oh, yes.  We can’t stay this way forever.  You and your sister will grow up to be  grown ups.  You and your sister will drive a car.  You both will move forward, with inertia, as you are prone to do.”

And, then I realized I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Even as I consume these moments, let them fill and renew my soul and feel rewarded for all the crap that parenting also brings, I realize what amazing things I would miss if we were to stay in this moment forever.  The joys.  The discoveries. The moments of pride. The moments failure.  The moments growth.  The moments of celebration. And I know that with each new moment, I will want to hold on to it.  I will try not to breathe.  I will want to stay that way forever…… until the next precious moment.

And so it goes.

So, instead of holding my breath,  I inhale and exhale deeply.  I let the moments diffuse through my cells.  I remain open to the next moment life throws at me….. and hold on for the ride.

And what a ride it is.