Going to the Joy

This week I have been walking a tightrope between grateful, finding joy in the whims of life, getting teary-eyed, being annoyed, and completely losing my composure (over the Glee version of Poker Face of all things….and To Sir with Love (in addition to other things)).  I am taking it all in stride. Trying to find my joy, my home, my peace. I just want to wrap myself in a warm cardigan and comfort myself, let myself feel what I feel and be ok with that right now. I realize that I have an amazing support system here, rallying for me, an amazing group of people willing to be my cardigan, my comfort.   I am so grateful for all of it.

A few days ago, I wrote that I don’t know what to write anymore, what to share, how to share it.  But I decided, I am just writing it.  In fact, I may not even edit for the next few weeks *****gasp****.  I may not go back and read the post up-teenth times, changing what I think doesn’t fit, etc.  To do so means, yes, I catch some typo’s and bad grammar.  But it also means that I self censor, and I don’t need that right now.  Let’s face it, the writing process is messy.  I am messy right now…. so I am going to let it go.  I didn’t edit my last post, I just let it be.  And the mistakes are numerous.  But they are my mistakes, and I needed to make them.  I think I even split an infinitive or something a few sentences back.

I am leaving it.  To hell with it.

As for this week, I realized how long it had been since I laughed, truly laughed.  When I did, it felt good, but so foreign, almost like I was outside my own body.  It came one morning when we started the day with a little P-Funk and danced up a storm as a family.   Ben was dancing like a hot mess.  In fact, he reminded me of this……

What? I find this charming and irresistibly sexy actually. Let’s face it. Funny = HOT.

Anyway, it had the kids in an uproar. Then he spun me around, and dipped me. It was a fabulously fun way to start a day. And I laughed. I found the joy.

And in that moment, it was enough.

I have to keep going to the joy. It won’t always be there, but I promise that, at least for today, I won’t stop trying. I will promise myself one moment at a time.