Going to the Joy

This week I have been walking a tightrope between grateful, finding joy in the whims of life, getting teary-eyed, being annoyed, and completely losing my composure (over the Glee version of Poker Face of all things….and To Sir with Love (in addition to other things)).  I am taking it all in stride. Trying to find my joy, my home, my peace. I just want to wrap myself in a warm cardigan and comfort myself, let myself feel what I feel and be ok with that right now. I realize that I have an amazing support system here, rallying for me, an amazing group of people willing to be my cardigan, my comfort.   I am so grateful for all of it.

A few days ago, I wrote that I don’t know what to write anymore, what to share, how to share it.  But I decided, I am just writing it.  In fact, I may not even edit for the next few weeks *****gasp****.  I may not go back and read the post up-teenth times, changing what I think doesn’t fit, etc.  To do so means, yes, I catch some typo’s and bad grammar.  But it also means that I self censor, and I don’t need that right now.  Let’s face it, the writing process is messy.  I am messy right now…. so I am going to let it go.  I didn’t edit my last post, I just let it be.  And the mistakes are numerous.  But they are my mistakes, and I needed to make them.  I think I even split an infinitive or something a few sentences back.

I am leaving it.  To hell with it.

As for this week, I realized how long it had been since I laughed, truly laughed.  When I did, it felt good, but so foreign, almost like I was outside my own body.  It came one morning when we started the day with a little P-Funk and danced up a storm as a family.   Ben was dancing like a hot mess.  In fact, he reminded me of this……

What? I find this charming and irresistibly sexy actually. Let’s face it. Funny = HOT.

Anyway, it had the kids in an uproar. Then he spun me around, and dipped me. It was a fabulously fun way to start a day. And I laughed. I found the joy.

And in that moment, it was enough.

I have to keep going to the joy. It won’t always be there, but I promise that, at least for today, I won’t stop trying. I will promise myself one moment at a time.

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3 Responses to “Going to the Joy”

  1. jecka 8 October 2010 at 5:14 pm #



  2. TinkAe 15 October 2010 at 2:32 pm #

    I know just what you mean about the dancing & it works like a charm! My husband will see me in a funk & no matter how deep that funky pit is if he just starts the Robot –with MY arms, I cannot help but feel happy. Eventually, my end of the dancing is no longer passive. We’re both dancing around (possibly laughing) & yeah, I find him sexy.


  3. ilinap 22 October 2010 at 7:24 pm #

    Oh, you know how my family feels about some dancin’ to shake away the mean reds (which are worse than the blues…according to Holly Golightly). And anything with Will Smith makes me swoon.


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