Raising Myself
We all or know of those parents. Those parents that secretly(or not so secretly) wish karma would come and bite you in the ass and you would have to raise a kid “JUST LIKE YOU”. My mom wished that on me, and, as it would turn out, her wish was some higher powers command. My daughter, although like her dad in his flattering ways, is alot like me in my more unflattering ways. Which, I imagine, is what my mother enjoys when she secretly smiles to herself as I fight with my daughter.
And yet, it is rough, raising – well – myself. Especially since I never got over being myself. The girl is lovable, for sure, her being permanently etched into my heart, soul and very being. I love her with all of myself. But, if we are honest, motherhood is never that simple. But she has these qualities that I do not know how to deal with. I simply wasn’t given the equipment, as I fight tooth and nail the same tendencies in myself to this day. And it is in that truth – that hard, honest truth – that I am SCARED out of my mind that I am bound to fuck her all up.
How am I to give her the tools to cope (my very job as her mother) when many times I can’t?
Beautiful…. and too smart for her own good.
Sweetie can be an intense young girl. She is a perfectionist through and through. She is not OCD (you could tell this by taking one fleeting glance at her room), but her actions need to be just so. If she can’t write a letter EXACTLY as she imagined it, tears flow. If she draws something that does not match the picture she is trying to copy, she gets frustrated, often throwing the pencil down, and herself to the floor. If she imagines that she cannot do it perfectly, she shuts down, and doesn’t attempt it all all (which is very familiar to me). Interestingly, she lets go of this caveat when she wants to perform.
In addition, she loves to argue. EVERYTHING is meant to be argued or rationalized. ”Go find a pair of socks.” merits a response that starts, “Well…..” and a 4 minute dissertation on why that isn’t the best idea or possible right now. Cutting her off from this diatribe just exacerbates her mood, often causing her to stop away, and still not finding that pair of socks.
And she is smart. In many ways, she is wise beyond her six years.
I do not cope well with these challenging aspects of her personality. I find myself often starting in a very supportive manner, rooting her on, telling her that I know she can do it. But after a long stint of dealing with the perfectionism, I find my patience wearing very thin, grow short with her, and the conversation dissolves to yelling. I am not proud, and, in fact am mortified at myself, not knowing where it went wrong, or how I could help her be the best version of herself.
As for dealing with the constant arguing, well, I do that to, so it just ends up in one massive argument on both sides. I try to shut down the argument before it starts, stopping her, telling her it is not up for argument, but no, she will argue on her way to do what I told her to do, to time out, to the moon. I know that as parents we are the boss, and that we need follow through, need to instate the rules. And we do. But it does not change the behavior. It does not change the fact that she seems to be hard-wired for debate.
So, I am at a loss. I feel like all we do these days is fight. And I am tired. I want her to be the best version of herself that she can be. I want to help her channel all that perfectionism and energy for good. I also want to be the best mom I can-supportive, yet firm, inspiring, yet grounding. And yet, at times, I find myself being none of these things, and worse, returning to my own hangups and personality disorders.
So, I wonder, how do I stop the cycle? How do I stop her from harboring the same issues I grapple with daily? How do you stop one you are raising from being the worst of you and guide them to be the best? And where does your influence begin and end?
I don’t know if I will ever know the answer to these questions. But I won’t stop trying, won’t stop pushing on. I won’t stop raising her and myself. And I guess that is what motherhood is all about.
Boy, don’t I know this one! I have 3 daughters and each of them got a hefty dose of one my my personality quirks. The oldest NEVER shuts up. The 2nd is incredibly smart but has a taste for sarcasm. The 3rd just never. ever. stops. needing. attention.
But, what you do is what you’re doing. You do the best you can and encourage her… be honest with her… and even lose patience with her when it’s time. You’ll be the cool understanding mom, even when you’re the unfair exasperating mom. And when she’s a teenager… all of her friends will tell her that she has the coolest mom ever.
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Corina Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Thanks for the vote of confidence. This is helpful.
And the sarcasm…. I can relate to that… oh how I can relate.
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My mom wished a lot of things on my younger sister, who had colic and was a difficult child.
Unfortunately, I’m the only one who had kids, so you know where that story is going…
The Mother´s last blog ..
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Corina Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 8:04 pm
Oh, the colic. Can’t forget the colic. She was protesting even as a baby. I should have known this was coming.
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I could have written this post for the most part (except for the being a mom part of course). I was “lucky” in a way… my daughter was born with Sensory Integration Disorder, and thus from the time she was an infant, everything has always had to be “just so” or else.
This didn’t “prepare” me or show me how to deal with it per se, as much as it just helped me build up patience.
One little “trick” I have learned to help deal with some of this (particularly the argumentative, disagreeable parts) is to change how I phrase things I want her to do, or want to encourage her to do.
And that is rather than “ordering” or “directing” I create “options.” “Go find a pair of sox” is an order, which she excercises her “control” by telling you why she shouldn’t excetera. Asking her “Do you want to go get some socks now, or after you brush your teeth (or other event that needs to be done within the same time span), allows her to exercise her control by choosing one of two options that actually works out for you anyway.
This does take a bit of planning to get used to, for example, I know, whenever I want my daughter to go to bed, she always wants “five more minutes,” so five minutes before I want her to go to be, I ask her, “Do you want to go to bed now, or in five minutes?” She gets her “control” of the situation, and I get what I want her to do.
Sneaky? Perhaps a little, but I prefer to think of it as allowing her to feel she has at least some control over her environment, and she sticks to her guns and does what I want, because she has “decided” that is how it should be, and she is sticking to her decision.
But most of all, try not to get frustrated. The more you break down, the more you are going to be ready to lose, and already frustrated before the situation plays out, making your fuse shorter. It is not a war. It is a series of little battles, take each one at a time. And you will find suddenly you are winning more than you are losing, and she will feel the same way at the same time.
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Corina Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
Thank you, Jay. This is very helpful. I needed some perspective, someone to step back and give me some grounding advice. So much of this rings true….
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I liked Jay’s response – creatively giving his daughter options and to create the illusion of control. I think that could help. I know this is frustrating but I read something last week about how debate actually builds intellect and boosts IQ.
It was in an article I was reading about building brain and memory power later in life – but it must also apply to those with brain development in overdrive.
I don’t have any great advice for you but to just keep loving her. I am guessing that as she continues to master tasks she will learn that mastery of anything is a process not an instant event from thought to paper.
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I liked Jay’s response – creatively giving his daughter options and to create the illusion of control. I think that could help. I know this is frustrating but I read something last week about how debate actually builds intellect and boosts IQ.
It was in an article I was reading about building brain and memory power later in life – but it must also apply to those with brain development in overdrive.
I don’t have any great advice for you but to just keep loving her. I am guessing that as she continues to master tasks she will learn that mastery of anything is a process not an instant event from thought to paper.
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